A BYRON SHIRE local who wishes to remain nameless has submitted a safety warning for anyone else in the Shire thinking to buy a taser.
The local, who strenuously denies being from either the Progressive or the Conservative side of politics, sought a wedding anniversary for his wife and himself.
“The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie,” he said.
The man found what he wanted online and it was delivered to his home.
“I loaded two AAA batteries into the thing and pushed the button, but nothing happened.” He was disappointed.
As he experimented he discovered if he shot the taser into a metal surface he’d get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the taser prongs.
“Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave,” he said.
Later as he was wrapping his wife’s gift, our man, who assures us he a regular non-churchgoer, was still keen to test the taser further.
He decided a test was needed on a flesh-and-blood moving target. After considering the cat, he knew that would be cruel, so determined to test the taser on himself.
“After all, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised,” he rationalized.
“I thought, it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?” he asked.
“So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, Taser directions in one hand, and Taser in another. “
Our non-churchgoing Shire guy claims the directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient an assailant; a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
“All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ “
“What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. I’m sitting there alone, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny thing couldn’t hurt all that bad..
“I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
It felt like Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body-slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
“I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
“The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
“Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
“You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three-second burst would be considered conservative!
“A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
“My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
“My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
“My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed about 55kg. I had no control over the drooling.
“Apparently I had shat in my pants, but I was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
“I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it.”